TOP TIPS FOR DISCERNING MOOSEHUNTERS
- Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply
applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of
toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
- Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse,
filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your
mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
- Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing
all the time.
- If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling
water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
- Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold
them while you chop away.
- Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot
of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have
a minor accident.
- Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat
everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.
- Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they
walk up the aisle.
- Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can
create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and
banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
- Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of
sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
- Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and
inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak
- Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their
guide dog isn't looking.
- Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the
bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping
- Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
- Bus drivers: Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with
a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back
along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
- International master criminals: Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the
first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave
him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
- Weight watchers: Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the
cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
- X-Files fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of
vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your
memory mysteriously 'erased'.
- Edge your lawn into the shape of a pair of trousers then mow it in lines so it looks
like a huge pair of green corduroy trousers. Pockets can simply be added by planting small
- Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the
house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
- To stop nose bleeds simply place your head between your knees until your heart stops.
- Townies: Whenever you see country folk driving into town in their green Range Rovers to
go shopping, jump up and down screaming "Get off my land!" Then shoot their dog.
- Don't waste money on expensive telephone answering machines. When you leave the house
simply plug the phone into your video recorder. Not only will it record the callers voice,
but you will also get a picture of them speaking, probably.